Pickled In Malaise

Wisdom

Or notable lack of it:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-15536684

At the end of the day, in a Western Democracy, freedom of speech means freedom to offend.

It’s notable that France has already banned the chador in public places and seems to have pretty much the most contra-Islamic stance of any European nation.

I’m sure that it’s easy to say, “Let’s mock Islam” when you’re sitting in an office in Paris.

It’s slightly less so if you’re standing at a checkpoint in Kabul or Tikrit.

No, the two things shouldn’t be connected – but we know from previous experience that they are.

I cannot see that this will end well.

POSTSCRIPT (FFWD 24 Hours):

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/nov/02/french-magazine-bomb-muhammad-cartoon

I’m not gonna say, “I told you so.” (But I did).

Legacy

It came to my attention this week that Lisa-Marie Presley is classified on Wikipedia as a “Singer-Songwriter”.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lisa_Marie_Presley

However, she was already 35 at the time (married and divorced thrice) that she got round to making her debut album.

Bill Withers she is fucking not.

Last Words

I’m feeling in a strangely reflective mood this morning.

It’s arguably rather morbid, but here’s a list of thought provoking and poignant last words:

“I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis”.
 - Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. 1957

“I’m bored with it all.”
 Before slipping into a coma. He died 9 days later.
 - Winston Churchill, statesman, d. 1965

“Let’s cool it brothers …”
 Spoken to his assassins, 3 men who shot him 16 times.
 - Malcolm X, Black leader, d. 1966

“Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.”
 - Oscar Wilde, writer, d. November 30, 1900

(On receiving a visitor whilst ill in bed, Ibsen overheard his nurse stating, “He’s feeling much better”)
“On the contrary, madam”
- Henrik Ibsen, playwright. d. 1906

Edison, bedridden with pneumonia, drifting in and out of consciousness was asked if he was suffering. He looked out of the window and stated:
“No, just waiting. It’s very beautiful over there.”
- Thomas Edison d.1931
 

“Tell Bazza he’s too old to do pantomime”.
(Referring to comedian/entertainer and friend Barry Cryer)
- Willie Rushton, raconteur and satirist d. 1996

Tories?

A few months ago, the Labour party of the United Kingdom elected a new leader - the politically inexperienced, but authentically left wing Ed Milliband.

Up to the point of his election, the word round the campfire was actually that his more moderate brother David would get ‘the big job’.

This was a very interesting development. Former leader Tony Blair had created a massive centrist shift in the party dynamic in an effort to gain power from the incumbent tories in the May 1997 elections.

These efforts were made to remove the stigma of the “loonie left” element of the party which had grown out of the increasingly powerful trade unionist movement of the 1970’s and then dominated the public perception of the party after the early 1980’s miners strikes and the militancy of the socialist GLC (Greater London Council) of the same period.

With a more moderate approach from (most of) the Conservative party, British politics in the 2000’s sat in a vague, liberal no-mans land, with many of the Tories policies sitting to the left of the ‘champagne socialism’ of Blair’s New Labour.

So, with the new leader of the Conservative party - in David Cameron - we have an authentically upper middle class, old order (ex-Bullingdon Club http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bullingdon_Club), right wing Tory.

This (in the name of proper democracy and balance) is just where they should be.

With Ed Miliband as Labour leader - a second generation marxist of Polish Jewish extraction, whom was heavily active in the party by the time he got to the LSE. Ditto.

(Needless to say, between fire and ice, sits Nick Clegg of the Liberal Democrats - a bit like luke warm water..)

So, I wondered this morning on checking the news, “What the hell is this?”

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-13756396

Whilst I believe the policy actually makes sense, surely this is quoted from the wrong party leader.

Can’t they just stick to their respective sides of the fence and actually stand for something?

Yahoo

An organisation whom are evidently not in the running for the Plain English Awards this year.‏

“Part of our organizational streamlining involves shifting our investment with off-strategy products to put better focus on our core strengths and fund new innovation in the next year and beyond,” Yahoo said in response to an AFP inquiry.*

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/technology/news/article.cfm?c_id=5&objectid=10695525

(Translation: *”We’ve decided to stop doing the stuff we’re clearly shit at so we can do more of the stuff we’re good at”)

Worry

I received an email from someone on my team recently saying this:

“meaning behind your doodle… :)

Squares: An expression that indicates the need to maintain order, structure and gain control. Squares within squares show an inherent need to hide secrets. “

I don’t know whether I’m more worried that I’ve never noticed that I did this, that she clearly  has or that I do it literally all the time.

Virtually everything on my desk is completely covered in them.

Eerie.

Leslie

After the recent death of Leslie Neilson, my chum Tony, whom I worked with about five years ago sent me a ‘compendium’ that I had compiled whilst we worked together.

The way that this worked was, when someone famous died – we’d all put forward our favourite celebrities whom share that firstname. I’d pick ten, then write sarcastic things about them.

I think this must have been written at the time of another famous Leslies death (whom, sadly I can’t remember).

I’d totally forgotten about the existence of these articles, so hope Tony sends me some more from his ‘comedy archive’.

Here it is, in tribute to Leslie Neilson, whom died late last year (and for whichever Leslie, lost in the sands of time, for whom it was originally written).

Leslie (also sometimes spelt Lesley)
From a surname which was derived from a Scottish place name meaning either “garden of hollies” or “garden by the pool” in Gaelic

Leslie Neilson - American Comedy actor. Star of “Police Squad” and later “Naked Gun,” which contains the immortal, greatest one liner in US movie history, where Priscilla Presley (you would) climbs up a ladder and out of shot. Neilson looks up and exclaims, “Hey! Nice beaver!” Genius.

Leslie Joseph - UK TV comedy actress. Forever typecast as mutton dressed as mutton middle aged suburban nympho Dorian in TV’s unfunniest sitcom ever, Birds of a Feather. Seriously weird to watch in interviews because she simply is Dorian.

Lesley Grantham - Eastenders boo hiss pantomime bad guy ‘Dirty Den’. Certainly the only bloke I can think of on TV that’s definitely killed someone. (Grantham did 8 years bird pre-stardom for manslaughter).

Lesley Crowther - British TV institution. Crowther’s broadcasting career spanned 3 decades and just about every light entertainment format in the book. To a generation he was the face of kids TV’s Crackerjack, then later, Saturday night family favourite “The Price is Right” - a show that still gets airtime on virtually every ‘bloopers’ show on TV because of the time a womans tit fell out as she ran down the stairs responding to Crowthers “Come on down!” war cry… Tragically died in 1996 from head injuries sustained in a car accident four years earlier. Proof that they simply don’t make them like they used to. Mr. Crowther, we salute you.

Leslie Charteris - Accept no imitations, Roger Moore is a fraud. Charteris is the original, and best Simon Templar. I’m not even going to mention that sh*teater Kilmer.

Leslie Ash - First appeared as the ‘fit girl next door’ type alongside Phil Daniels in legendary mods vs. rockers flick ‘Quadrophenia’. Then reappeared 15 years later as ‘fit bird upstairs’ in TV’s ‘Men Behaving Badly’. Only thing is, she’s never been fit. It’s been a rough few years for Leslie recently though - tragically disfigured (oh, how I laughed…) when her collagen injections went wrong, then created a Tabloid feeding frenzy due to it emerging that she’d sustained a broken rib through ‘rough sex’ (woah there girl!). Has now relocated to France citing tabloid intrusion in her life as explanation.

Leslie Garett - What is it about Cardiff slappers and singing? Possibly the most irritating person I have ever seen interviewed with her ov-er e-nun-ci-a-ted vo-wel sounds and constantly shocked expression. To paraphrase my old man (possibly the most curmudgeonly old f**ker on the planet), “A kind face…. The kind of face I’d like to kick”

Leslie Waters - TV chef and ‘Ready Steady Cook’ regular. Laughs like an asthmatic llama.. Old Ainsley calls her ‘Les’ and clearly regularly has to refrain from adding “bian” on to the end of it. The poor mans Sophie Grigson.

Lesley McKenna - Scotland’s (and the UK’s) number one freestyle snowboarder. Originally from Glasgow, which interestingly, is home of the deep fried battered pizza, a veritable delicacy, I’m sure.

(Compiled circa 2005)

Boredom

My girlfriend and I would both really like to be writers. We have however, unproven talent and share a curiously strong self-preservation instinct that has meant that we have developed pretty successful mainstream careers (although both are involved to lesser or greater extents with ‘writing’ – her: PR & Communications. Me: Sales & Marketing).

We recently had a particular exchange which made me think about all of the job histories of popular authors I’ve read whom have taught, fought, worked as cabbies, bar tenders etc. I’ve never felt the need to suffer for art – and as thus to have some extent fallen between two stools socially.

I find a lot of the corporate world to be too straight for me to easily identify with, whilst ‘alternative/creative’ types (whom generally I find to be totally fucking conventional in every way other than dress sense) seem to look down on me because I ‘work for the man’.

A major appeal when I met my girlfriend (despite her obvious beauty and intelligence) is that she is independent, incredibly creative and free-willed, but pragmatic enough to have a proper job and earn decent money. N.B: Alternative kids – being materialistic doesn’t make you shallow spiritually – it just means that you have better stuff.

We were venting our frustrations recently regarding some of the boring things that we’ve been forced to achieve by our careers (she was at the time writing the guidelines to which parameters by which wheel nuts on buses will be judged faulty). I came back with this little tale of woe, which amused her somewhat:

“ I once went to a South Wales Engineering expo at the Cardiff International Arena to try and prospect for a waste management company that I worked for.

My day basically consisted of going round stalls and having about seven virtually identical blokes with beards, all called Alan, tell me about how their little precision engineering companies magnesium anodizing was one micron more even than their peers.

They were fairly uninterested that after a small change in production process that for either 10k cap ex or a rental and commission for disposal that we could provide them with a piece of machinery to puck their magnesium swarf so that we could re-sell it for around 500 quid a tonne.

They just wanted to talk about ball bearings.

I seriously contemplated suicide at about 3pm”

I ask the question, might one day I be the first ever published author to come a background in waste management?

Guacamole

I would have thought that everyone on earth knew how to make Guacamole, but someone at work asked me the other day, so I wrote out a recipe and here it is:

Guacamole a la Slabface -

2 decent sized avocados (must be well ripe)
2 regular sized cloves of garlic
½ a seeded red chilli
The juice of 1½ fresh lemons (do NOT use bottled lemon juice)
One or two chopped tomatoes (this is economy really)
Salt & Pepper to taste

Cut avocados in half, remove stones (saving one) and remove the flesh from the skins and put in a mixing bowl. Make sure that you scrape out the flesh right to the skin, cos you want the green stuff.

Puree one clove of garlic per avocado and add to the mixing bowl.

Juice the first lemon and add to the mixture. Cut one red chilli in half lengthways and remove the seeds. Finely chop and add to the bowl.

Mix well with a fork, mashing the avocados to the required consistency.

Add salt & pepper to taste and any more lemon juice as required – do this gradually, cos you can’t take it back out once you’ve committed.

I go pretty lemony and usually add at least half another lemons worth. My sister always f**king moans about it.

Finally, chop one or two tomatoes dependent on how much you want to bulk out the guacamole – place them on kitchen paper or a clean tea towel and pat dry to remove excess fluid.

Add them to the completed guacamole and mix well.

If you add the stone that you’ve saved to the mixture, it will help your guacamole stay green for longer. (An actual Mexican taught me that)

The more lemon juice you use – again - the longer it’ll last.

If you’re going out in the evening, I’d usually only do it a couple of hours in advance, but it’s quite often still nice and vibrant green the next day if refrigerated.

Recession

Interesting editorial angle on the recent implosion of Ireland’s economy:

Apocalypse

When asked if she knew whom Germaine Greer is, my new team member said, “Is he that bloke off of ‘Flight of the Conchords?”.

Every western woman, without exception, should know who Germaine Greer is and what her generation did for women today.

I’ve asked the women in my office before. Worryingly, a lot of women under 25 don’t know who Germaine Greer is.

They always seem to know who Kim Kardashian is though.

Young women don’t see strong feminist intellectuals as figureheads any more. They see orange faux celebrities whom date professional sports people and then start their own poxy fashion label as their icons. The achievers.

Looking to antiquity, the downfall of the Roman Empire didn’t happen because of a massive natural disaster.

It didn’t happen because of a virulent plague that tore through their youth.

It didn’t happen because of a particular strength in any of the Visigoth, Hun or Ottoman tribes that eventually rampaged their previously impenetrable borders and sacked the cities that were once the crowning achievements of the Empire.

It happened because the Romans had become too comfortable.

They had become fatuous and over-liberalised.

Looking at todays society and comparing the situation in our listless society in decline, our false idols and groundless fear of offending anyone has led me to one final, sad conclusion.

Frank Zappa once said, “People always say that the world will end with fire and ice. I think it will end with nostalgia and paperwork”.

It’s a great quote but I don’t agree. I think there are twin totems that will bring the world to an end.

Two golden calves that we concentrate on whilst Rome burns:

Kim Kardashian and political correctness - the downfall of the Western world.

Nuts

It’s that time of year again and I’ve watched the thing that they used to call cyberspace, as well as the physical press, go ape with the ubiquitous end of year polls.

Now, horrifyingly, one of the ones that has actually caught my eye is from the somewhat low brow, lowest common denominator, tits & football oriented UK lads mag ‘Nuts’. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuts_(magazine) 

Now, I’m not horrified by the topic (which strangely isn’t what you’d assume, ‘Top 20 Big Titted Birds Of The Year’ or ‘Top 20 Football Hackings’), which is quite simply, ‘Britain’s Top 20 Greatest Blokes’. A bit generic, a bit jingoistic perhaps – but nothing too upsetting.

http://www.thefirstpost.co.uk/73516,people,news,stephen-hawking-voted-britains-greatest-bloke 

The thing that has made me slightly concerned is that I agree with 8/20 of the choices, making me a bit more like the average ‘Nuts’ reader demographically than I’m really comfortable with.

Here’s ‘Nut’s take on the list:

1. Stephen Hawking
2. Daniel Craig
3. David Mitchell
4. David Beckham
5. Christian Bale
6. Jeremy Clarkson
7. Frankie Boyle
8. Boris Johnson
9. Sacha Baron Cohen
10.  Harry Hill
11.  Russell Howard
12.  Simon Pegg
13.  Sir David Attenborough
14.  James May
15.  Richard Hammond
16.  Chris Kamara
17.  Ian Holloway
18.  Chris Moyles
19.  Clive Owen
20.  Lee Evans

Now, unfortunately, there’s not a lads magazine that caters for the liberal left wing, vegetarian, cookery show loving expat market, but if there was, here’s possibly the list that they’d compile (including the eight off of the ‘Nuts’ one).

Stephen Hawking - Quite simply a giant in his field.
Daniel Craig - Made Bond a badass. A great advertisement for being British - and a bit of a psycho.
David Mitchell - More middle class than corduroy and proud of it. Writes a great column in the Guardian.
Frankie Boyle - Taking savage wit to the nth degree
Boris Johnson - Top class buffoonery from the world’s only mayor elected for a bit of a laugh.
Russell Howard - Taking the Bristolian accent back from Justin Lee Collins. 
Simon Pegg - For everything he’s ever done with Edgar Wright (Spaced, Hot Fuzz and Shaun Of The Dead). We’ll not mention everything else (How To Lose Friends And Alienate People, Run Fatboy Run) especially not if accents are involved (Star Trek, Band Of Brothers).
Sir David Attenborough - The greatest treasure in the crown that is the BBC.
Edgar Wright - For making Simon Pegg credible.
Johann Hari - Fearless eloquence defined. Made Richard Littlejohn look like an UTTER PRICK on Newsnight.
Charlie Brooker - Tell it like it is, hombre.
Jamie Oliver - Easy to knock, but he feels it.
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall - Changing the world, one meal at a time.
Vince Cable - Not faultless, but might actually have a clue how to get us out of this economic mess if he was given the opportunity. Also basically responsible for the collapse of Gordon Brown after owning him at PMQ. “He’s gone from Stalin to Mr. Bean in six weeks”. Ouch.
Ian Hislop - A man whom has to have a fund set up because he gets sued so often. A worthy editor of Private Eye.
Stephen Fry - A thirty year career that’s basically faultless and a very brave public facing of his own demons on “The Diary Of A Manic Depressive”. A legend, already.
Peter Hook – Bassist for Joy Division and New Order, the only remaining founder-owner of the Hacienda and now has turned to recording that era for posterity in his highly readable memoirs. A punk, new wave and acid house historian of the very highest order.
Colin Firth – He’s the Olivier of our time and a great short story writer to boot. You wait and see, I bet he becomes a novelist. 
Terry Wogan – Taking the piss out of Europe since the early 70’s.
Jeremy Paxman - Trying his damndest to defend democracy by scaring the living shit out of any politician that has the misfortune to cross his path.

Resolutions 2011

Weirdly, I’ve chosen the 11th of January to post my new years resolutions and have gone back to last years, which were similarly created - on the 11th January.

The 12 steps recovery programme says that you must give yourself a ‘fearless assessment of past wrongs’ (that’s where I’ve failed previously) but in the case of ones resolutions - here goes:

Achieved:

• Get teeth whitened and start smiling in photographs - I’ve spent about $1500 on dentistry in the last year, including whitening and do now have pictures of me on Facebook where you can see my teeth. They’re not finished yet (I’ve got two more major pieces of work to do – but we’re well on the way. (With hindsight – they also weren’t as hideous as I thought they were. I was just being neurotic.)

• One hours writing per day - Well. It’s been intermittent. I’ve got about 15 finished blog articles to post, probably another 20 partially finished and I’m playing a lot more guitar than I was. It’s going better but could still be improved.

• Get my sleeve (tattoo) done and my right leg covered up. - 13.5 hours with a gentleman called Kyle at Tattoo City on Cuba Street in Wellington. Not totally convinced that it’s what I wanted but people stop me and ask me about it if it’s visable so it’s striking if nothing else. - I know whom I want to do my right calf, I just haven’t got it done yet. You’d be slightly wary too if you’d had 13.5 hours of full colour done earlier in the year.

• Live a cerebral life where possible. - re: Theatre, art, music, cooking – yes, to all of the above. - It has been an almost entirely free from people that make me feel shit about myself year. Go girl!

 Absolute failures:

• Learn Italian - This has been a bit of a disaster. I did read ‘A Year In Provence’ and start fantisizing about moving to France though

• Stop habitually drinking Diet Coke - Well, I got my teeth whitened which stopped me totally for seven weeks, but it has crept back in. A work in progress.

• Stop biting finger nails - This has been a fucking disaster, but it’s a thirty year habit.

• Totally stop smoking - Did great for the seven week teeth whitening bit, but I’ve moved in with my girlfriend – who smokes, so it’s been made somewhat harder. We are, as a mutually addicted couple, going to stop this year. I promise.

• No white carbs, no dairy - I’m fine when I’m on my own, but it’s not been easy. My new lunch resolution should make this easier in the ’11.

• Gym 4 x per week minimum - I’ve put on about six kilos in weight from my lightest point last year. However, I did tear all the ligaments around one ankle (which left me unable to run for three months), then broke a rib - all of which happened through a ‘honeymoon, nice restaurants and cozy dinners’ period due to a new relationship. I have however got a new personal trainer and am already working on it, resolutions or no…

New ones for 2011 (so add all the ones that I didn’t achieve to this list).

• Stop Killing Hookers - Not a genuine resolution, but has been the one I’ve used if anyone has asked.

• Lose 10kg - I’ve got the trainer and it is gonna happen

• Get my records shipped to New Zealand. - They’re gonna end up in a skip otherwise.

• Buy a piece of art by a local artist. - It’s a re-entry from a couple of years ago. I think I might achieve it this year.

• Get permanent residency - I ain’t going back to Blighty any time soon.

• Take packed lunches to work. - The amount of money I spend on crap sandwiches!

Percentile

Here’s documentary proof that 35% of the general public* should be machine gunned in their beds.

Honestly, what kind of moron thinks Delia is better than River Cottage?

* When I say ‘general public’ I actually mean ‘the kind of fucktards whom complete MSN polls’.