Criminal Records
I lived in a place called Easton in Bristol (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Easton,_Bristol) for several years.
Easton’s a vibrant and multi-cultural community, with a great history of street parties, which generally involve a lot of very large soundsystems, as well as jerk chicken, curry goat, warm tins of Red Stripe, crackheads and a general undercurrent that a gun battle might might break out at at any minute.
In this environment (combined with my pre-existing love of Jungle/Drum & Bass) I developed a passion for reggae.
Some of my happiest memories in Bristol involve playing reggae records in clubs, pubs and parties around the city, but first and foremost my enjoyment came from going down to see a gentleman called Paul at Payback Records in (45 St Nicholas Market, Corn Street, Bristol) on a Thursday lunchtime to rifle through the weeks fresh batch of Jamaican import 7”s.
At the time, I became a bit obsessive, listening to local pirate radio stations BS1 and Passion FM, reading books on the subject (‘Once Upon A Time In Jamaica’ by Chris Saleciewicz and ‘Bass Culture’ by Lloyd Bradley are particularly recommended) as well as following up on Kevin Martins (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kevin_Martin_%28British_musician%29) reviews from the now sadly defunct ‘Muzik’ magazine (published just round the corner from Payback on Fairfax Street, incidentally).
Reggae’s oft misunderstood, both in part to its themes (social and religious parables feature rather highly) and it’s bewilderingly high rate of ‘versioning’ (due to a total lack of effective copyright laws in Jamaica, a producer may get several different artists to perform vocals on a particular backing track – these are then given to competing soundsystems for use – indeed, the backing track or ‘riddim’ used on Wayne Smith’s groundbreaking 1985 release ‘Under Me Sleng Teng’ has had over 250 commercial releases by different artists).
Every so often, reggae pops up into the mainstream, becomes vaguely fashionable for a while, has some terrible pop producers attempt to jump on the bandwagon, and then fades away.
There’s been some terrible crimes committed against reggae by popular music and these are some of the worst:
- “D’yer Maker” Led Zeppelin - Bafflingly, this was released by a band at their commercial and artistic peak and is now considered by some to be a bit of a Led Zeppelin classic. John Paul Jones won’t even discuss it in interviews. I love Led Zeppelin but this song is a travesty. It all starts with the terrible mock patois (and arguably rascist) title (“Jamaica” if you didn’t get it) and rapidly goes downhill from there. Quite simply shitwaffle.
- “Mysterious Girl” Peter Andre – We do a quiz every Friday at work, in which someone recently answered “Peter Andre” to the question “Whom is the Greek god of Music”. I wanted to bring caustic soda in and throw it over her in response. There is a number of things that bother me about Peter Andre but none more than his recorded output. For some reason given another go at fame and put on ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here’ years after his shortlived commercial success had rightfully died of natural causes. He’s currently ever present in the gossip pages, saying he doesn’t want to talk about Jordan anymore and wants to ‘Move on’. Move On? Ironic coming from someone whom has re-released this odious turd of a single, his only successful chart release, on no less than four occasions. I also thought it was hilarious upon meeting Katie, he described her as “really special” and “unlike anyone I’ve met before”. You want to get down Bojangles in Guildford mate. You’d LOVE it.. There’s loads of vile orange slags down there.
- “I Got You Babe” UB40 Feat. Chrissie Hynde – An 80’s electro dancehall cover of Sonny & Chers perennial hippy love in featuring everyone’s favourite ethnically diverse but terminally uncredible Brummie pop-reggae combo and forever monotonal new wave coat tail rider and washed up Jim Kerr discarded has-been Chrissie Hynde that’s every bit as bad as it sounds on paper. Wrong, wrong, wrong. For note, UB40’s first couple of albums are actually alright, as is their next release from this one, “Don’t Break My Heart” which similarly came out in 1985. (I’m probably a bit biased about them because when they got signed they went to a buy their suits in my friend Monkey’s Grandfathers tailors shop in Mosely - twenty odd years later, he still used to talk about “what a nice, polite young lad” Ali Campbell was). Chrissie Hynde was in the Pretenders and for some inexplicable reason is considered to be one of the greatest female vocalists of her generation, despite the fact that she can’t sing her way out of a wet paper bag. “One In Ten” this is not. Hideous.
- “Don’t Turn Around” Aswad - Aswad were actually one of the first properly credible UK based reggae acts. Initially, because of the bias toward ‘authentic’ Jamaican releases, they had to scratch the labels off of their own singles to get them played on soundsystems, but hey. Led by former child actor Brinsley Forde, they were a major live draw and made a number of what would later be called conscious (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dancehall#Conscious_reggae) anthems through the early eighties. They’d obviously run out of ideas by 1988 however, when they released this tinny version of an old Tina Turner B-side. It was all downhill from here and they’ve since stooped low enough to collaborate with (gasps) Cliff Richard and (wheeze) ol’ leather handbag face, Sting.
- “All That She Wants” Ace Of Base - This bunch of Swedish pop sheisters were on the verge of giving up and going home after several years of foisting their bland techno pop around Scandanavia to disinterested audiences. However, unfortunately for us, they decided to re-launch themselves as a gashwad pop reggae artists. This is their breakthrough hit and it makes me want to pulverise their faces with a brick mallet. Appallingly, their following album “The Sign” remains one of America’s 100 Bestselling Albums of All Time by the RIAA. No joke. Considered to be a major influence by Lady Gaga. Also no joke.
- “Oh, Carolina” Shaggy - Only thing of note about this utter fucktard is that his real name is Orville. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orville_the_Duck ). This is the first (though sadly not the last) track on this list where a shite pop artist has totally butchered an amazing old reggae tune (in this case, by The Folkes Brothers). Apparently, Orville was decorated after the first Gulf War (in which he served in the US Marines) for driving a truck through an Iraqi minefield. Doesn’t that just make him a moron? I wish he’d gone ‘Boombastic’ and I’d not been inflicted with this piece of garbage on heavy radio rotation for six months.
- “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” Culture Club - “Is it a boy or a girl?” Confused Mums & Dads across the land doubtless exclaimed as their petulant teenage children rolled their eyes. “It’s a boy - and yes he’s a bender,” perhaps some of them said. “He’s actually bumming the drummer, whom will later get married and have children with a woman, denying it ever happened for over a decade. Then the ladyboy will very briefly meet the curly haired bird off ‘Four Pints Of Lager’ on kids TV, develop a massive smack habit, get hunted like an animal by the tabloids, lose it, then get all jowly and come back as a really shit house DJ”, (by that, I don’t just mean he plays shit records - which he does - I mean: he is a shit DJ) “before getting his picture in the paper on community service picking up litter with a pointy stick cos he chained a rent boy to a radiator and kicked seven shades out of him”. After this travesty and Culture Clubs eventual demise, Boy George’s first solo single was a reggae version of “Everything I Own”, which, okay – I admit was a cover of a song written by bland MOR rockers Bread - but he was copying Dennis Boothes version which is definitive and simply incredible. So, please Mr. O’Dowd: Your bit on “Do They Know It’s Christmas” is amazing, and you’ve done some great pop records, but please, leave the reggae alone?
- “Dreadlock Holiday” 10CC - Okay, so I said that looking back, the Led Zep tune could be considered to be a tad un pc… This is on a different scale entirely. Not wishing to stereotype West Indians at all (“I don’t like cricket, I love it..”) It’s also on Soulwax’s second Radio Soulwax mix, which I deleted in disgust from my iTunes when it appeared on shuffle one morning. Vile novelty reggae pop from around the same time that Tony Blackburn used to play reggae covers of popular tunes that were playlisted, before turning them off half way through to play the originals informing the listening public of how ‘superior’ they were. Rascist toupe wearing scumfuck. He was brought back from celebrity obscurity by “I’m a Celebrity” as well.
- “Tide is High” Atomic Kitten – The Blondie version is far from their finest moment but they get away with it, cos they’re CBGB’s class of ’75 and thus helped to change the world. (If you don’t know what that sentence means, SHAME ON YOU). This is a disgrace to the Paragons original and the incredible U-Roy dub from the early seventies that will still mash tings up when played out today. Hang on a minute, think about this: Atomic Kitten featured Kerry Katona, whom went on to win “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” and is now rumoured to be making the beast with two backs with…. Peter Andre. There’s a conspiracy – I swear to god. “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” is out to destroy reggae.
It is not the biggest threat to reggae out there today. There is one greater. One bigger and more awful foe than reality TV.
Canadians
- “Reggae Christmas” Bryan Adams – Yeah, read that sentence again. “Reggae Fucking Christmas” by Bryan Fucking Adams. I’m gonna include the link to this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4_4DOEvQ4E – Remember Pee Wee Herman? He’s a convicted paedophile. Canadians bizarrely are mad into reggae (that notwithstanding, Adams is still evidentially bandwagon jumping in a massive way here though – even he doesn’t look like he knows what the hell is going on) with Ottowa’s annual festival being one of the largest specialist events held globally. It doesn’t matter though. This is just another example of why Canada should be invaded and not a man, woman or child left alive. Heavy Metal isn’t devil music – this is. There is no way that anyone can justify the existence of this tune or of the nation it came from. Kill them all. Each and every one.
